Pyramid Power
June 12, 2009 - Obama creates 200,000 new jobs with new pet project
Though it’s only 142 days since his inauguration, President Obama announced his plan to immediately begin construction of his Presidential Library and Unearthly Memorial. A task usually undertaken following a President’s term in office, the always ambitious, always forward-thinking Obama announced his plan Thursday, following a busy week in which he returned from Egypt and France to tackle a near double-digit unemployment rate, a ‘Code Red’ regarding the level of public debt, and launch of the “Rhetoric Express” for selling his public health care plan.
“We are extremely busy”, announced the scatter-shot Obama. “We must pass Cap & Trade legislation before we all suffocate from CO2, and we need to provide National Healthcare and Amnesty before the 2010 congressional elections. But the economy is also somewhat of a priority. That is why I’ve asked the treasury to print more money and spend it both quickly, and wastefully. And that is why I am accelerating construction of my Presidential Library. This project alone will employ more than 200,000 workers, and last more than 6 years.”
Details of the Obama Library emerged late Thursday night. According to reports, the Library will be the first of its kind, in that it will be constructed outside of the U.S., near Cairo, Egypt. Aides say the President felt an amazing ‘positive energy’ from his tour there last week, and immediately locked-in on the site and design prior to his return.
"Pyramids have always held a special place in the President's heart", commented Whitehouse Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "Usually, he thinks of upside-down ones, such as with the tax code." "One of my direct descendents help design the first Pyramid", Obama is fond of telling people.
Though it is to be built on ancient grounds, Obama's pyramid will receive modern "Green" refinements. Black glass panels will cover the exterior, each a solar cell to develop power for lighting the 'Beam of Hope', a massive collection of LEDs atop the structure pointed directly into outer space. "This is JFK's Eternal Flame, times a trillion" cheered Gibbs. "24-7, for as long as the sun shines, we'll send a beam of light into the universe to say 'I am Barack Hussein Obama, and this is My World'".
LEFT: File Photo of modern Pyramid construction, released by the White House. "Barack's will make the Luxor look like Motel 6" said Robert Gibbs.
Opponents to the Presidents plan are calling into question the use of public funds to support building such an edifice on foreign soil, using foreign workers. Others wonder if the location is indicative of claims he is foreign born. For his part, Obama has embarked on a fundraising tour to support the $1 billion project, having recently appeared on 'Celebrity $100,000 Pyramid'. "I'm happy to have raised $1,000 -which I plan on returning to the taxpayer", said Obama. As for the foreign workers and locale, Gibbs had little to say: "Come on guys, do I have to spell it out for ya? You saw the heiroglypics, and you haven't seen a birth certificate yet".
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The New GM
June 5, 2009 - The Brave New Deal to save GM: Go Old School, baby!
Tough. Dependable. Affordable. Green. When we began thinking of a new breed of car company for America’s new proletariat, we started with a blank check from the taxpayers and these four words. Fifty billion dollars later, we’ve harnessed the stubbornness and raw incompetence of Big Government and hitched it to the unearthly expectations of the UAW to create an entirely new transportation company. Transportation for a new post-capitalistic 21st century America. We are The New GM. We are Government Mules – same logo, a brave new world.
TOUGH
Government Mules are tough. Bred from stock originating from the civil war era, they know how to take a beating and pull a load. And as for endurance, we ran our tests in the Grand Canyon, in the logging forests of Oregon, and in the clay fields of Missouri. How does a range of 26 clicks, hauling 72 kg dead weight, at 9000 feet elevation sound? Pretty damn good if you're a Government Mule humpin' it in the mountains of Kashmir.
Our mules wear the slogan ‘beat like a government mule’ as a badge of honor. Proud owners will tell you: “Government Mules – they take a whippin’, but they keep on kickin’”. Kickin’ ass, of course. So no worries, America! We gave the Chinese a few Hummers, and kept the real studs in our stables.
DEPENDABLE
Mules help build America, before being supplanted by the internal combustion engine. We said ‘Why?’ Government Mules’ new fleet has an average working life of 20 years, with proper care and feeding. That’s nearly twice as long as domestic automobiles.
RIGHT: A UAW technician makes a final inspection of a GM Appaloosa emission system at an assembly plant in Tennessee.
All of our mules receive a 32-point quality inspection by Certified UAW technicians before leaving our plants. And with GM’s ‘Head to Tail’ national mule healthcare plan, you’ll get the protection you need to keep your beast of burden plodding along well into its golden years. Throw a shoe or forget to pack a feed bag? Use GM’s OnStar system and a government agent will find you faster than a fly on…well you know. Simply put: If you depend on the U.S. Government, you can depend on Government Mules.
AFFORDABLE
Want a Government Mule but worried about the price? Take advantage of the taxpayers and trade in your gas guzzler. You’ll get $4500 cash back – more than enough to cover the cost of even our top of the line models. Then, milk the 2009 Federal Stimulus Plan by using the Hybrid Vehicle Federal Tax Credit (up to $7500) to cover up to 6 years of care and feeding. With these insane Government freebies, there has never been a better time to own a mule!
And now, for a limited time, if you are an illegal immigrant or descendent of any historically oppressed or emanicipated class of people in the U.S., you’re eligible for the Presidential “40 acres and a Mule” reparation promotion*. Not only will you receive a FREE Government Mule, but you’ll also receive 40 acres of prime farm land in the South East U.S. It’s our way of saying ‘We’re Sorry’ for all the trouble America has been putting you folks through lately.
* Birth Certificate not required. Equity holders of GM (taxpayers) are ineligible for this promotion; check your IRS Form 1040 to see if you qualify.
GREEN
Leave it to GM to deliver on the promises of clean, renewable energy, carbon-capture technology, and a portable power cell platform – all to meet future Cap & Trade and CAFE Standard mandates. With Government Mules, you get FLEXFUEL, our cutting edge Green Grass Technology, which allows you to fill the feed bag with wholesome grains or turn your hungry beast loose on the nearest open field. And with our revolutionary solid-phase carbon capture technology, nearly 75% potential CO2 emissions are retained as indigestible cellulose - periodically emitted as 100% pure compost! But we didn’t stop there. Government Mules have a low carbon hoof-print and are 100% biodegradable! And, future accessories will allow methane gas diversion, for use in home heating and cooking. Think about it: internal combustion engines burn gas, Government Mules make gas. Smart!
So visit your GM dealer today. We Know What America Wants. Government Mules.
