Light My Fire
May 21, 2009 - California Voters don't fall for Schwarzenegger's flaming bag of dog excrement, will D.C.?
Arnold Schwarzenegger, D-list Governor of California, returned to his beleaguered state Wednesday afternoon, after a pseudo exile in Washington D.C. The Governor fled the state prior to Tuesday's statewide election, where propositions put to the voters to raise taxes and line union leaders' pockets were masked in a brown paper sack labeled with the words 'Budget Spending Cap'. Voters, still wiping their shoes from the pile of tax they stepped in courtesy of the State legistlature in February, handily buried the measures by a 2 to 1 margin.
Arnolds Facebook details his moves (click page)
With V.P. Joe Biden's weekly blunders and recent admonishment from Obama, one has to wonder if Schwarzenegger, who appears to have worn out his welcome in California, might be the latest RINO to formally defect to the 'DSP'.
As such, Schwarzenegger spent Tuesday cozying up to President Obama as they revealed new CAFE standards for automobiles, promising to bring the average fuel economy of vehiles to 35.5 mpg by 2016. During his 'interview', Schwarzenegger touted the new national standard as being an important step in ridding the world of greenhouse gases and saving the planet from global warming. America's Superhero - Thanks Arnie! Wednesday, following confirmation of the ballot defeat, Arnold's first order of business was a meeting with HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius to negotiate for $8 billion in stimulus cash being hijacked by a band of SEIU pirates. Then it was back on his Gulfstream IV to Los Angeles, in time for afternoon tea.
When asked how he was going to close the gaping $21 billion hole in the state budget, Schwarzenegger said he'll do his best. "Maybe I can throw a TARP over it", grinned Arnold, as he lit up one of his signature stogies.
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The Horror
May 14, 2009 - Boy gives Pelosi a lesson in Enhanced Interrogation Techniques
Nancy Pelosi came back swinging this week, calling for a new round of investigations on available enhanced interrogation techniques she has found to be, in her capacity, torture.
The new offensive comes after a week where Pelosi has been on the defensive for allegedly being dishonest with respect to her knowledge of waterboarding. Recently declassified documents show she was briefed in 2002 on the techniques used for terrorist Abu Zubaydah.
In a press conference to announce her new siege on the CIA, Pelosi stated:
"There is a more sinister and vile technique the waterboarding, and its name is chalk-boarding. I experienced this torture earlier in the week, and I can say first hand its effects are chilling. There is no logical reason why any human should need to go through this type of torture. We must be proactive in banning its use, least the CIA employ it to save more innocent Americans at the expense of another terrorist - or rather - ‘physically expressive extremist’.”
Pelosi said her exposure to chalkboarding came about inadvertently as she searched to uncover kinder, gentler methods of interrogation and coercion. Stopping by a local elementary school to take part in administering interrogation on a misbehaving student, Pelosi had the boy write repetitively on a chalkboard. During the punishment, Pelosi became trapped sitting in a student’s desk. The young hooligan then turned the tables on his guest disciplinarian, repeatedly running his fingernails down the chalkboard while the helpless Pelosi struggled to free herself.
Under tremendous duress by her torturer, Pelosi admitted to having a ‘Butt-head’, ‘Smelling Like Feet’, and being a ‘Spawn of Satan’. She later recanted the first two statements, saying they were "what he wanted to hear". It was later discovered the boy had purposely booby-trapped the desk chair with super glue. “I still have nightmares of that little bastard”, said a jittery Pelosi.
Pelosi, however, stuck with her plan to wear the boy down after she was freed. Returning to writing, the boy capitulated after seemingly 20 years of weekly punishment. Broken, he revealed other horrific techniques he’s advised the CIA on, some of which might be employed for enhanced interrogation. Those techniques include Wedgies, Charlie Horses, Purple Nurples, Swirlies, Wet Willies, Noogies, Hertz Doughnut, and Red Hands.
With all of the aforementioned techniques now likely to be cut, the CIA is left with only a few effective techniques for interrogation. These include: verbal assault by Chuck Shumer (D-NY); ’20 questions’ by Perez Hilton, and forcing the prisoner to play ‘Truth or Dare’ with Barney Frank.
“We are deeply discouraged,” said a CIA operative on condition of anonymity. “Pretty soon we’ll be down to ‘Please’, ‘Pretty Please’, ‘Pretty Please with Sugar on Top’, and ‘I’m gonna tell your Mom’ as the only strong-armed techniques left. We can’t even threaten to give them a Social Security number and make them an American taxpayer anymore; the last guy we tried that on hung himself!”
Broadway Schmoe
May 11, 2009 - Lady Liberty is introduced to Lord Tyranny
A picture is worth a thousand words, and for the American taxpayers, each one of those cost $328.83. The White House finally released an image of the thoughtless, panic-provoking, low-altitude New York City flyover by Air Force One on April 27th. Release of the image on May 9th coincided with the resignation of White House Military Office Director Louis Caldera.
According to reports, Deputy military director George Mulligan said he first told Caldera about the proposed photo shoot on April 20, a week before it was scheduled to take place. The same aide also said Caldera should let his superiors know about the bone-headed plan. Caldera told officials he didn't recall the conversation. "When asked why he failed to do so, he did not offer a coherent explanation," according to the official report. Apparently, coherency is not a strongpoint of any action in the Obama administration.
So, while Caldera is out, Mulligan (like a bad shot in golf) gets a second chance. Caldera said in his resignation to the President that the controversy over the gaffe has made it impossible for him to lead effectively and "has become a distraction to the important work you are doing as president." Thank goodness for that, since the President needed utmost concentration to develop his monologue for Saturday's White House Correspondence Dinner with liberal media and Hollywood elite. Playing to his gathering of proselytes, Obama continued to thumb his nose at the incident: "Sasha and Malia aren't here tonight because they're grounded," Obama said. "You can't just take Air Force One on a joy ride to Manhattan. I don't care whose kids you are."...Hi-Yo!
Meanwhile, Heebyjeebie may find itself on "double secret probation" after posting our interpretation of the Presidential publicity stunt:
May 8, 2009: New in Life & Liberty
The UnknownsMay 8, 2009
Do you believe in Cinderella stories? I do. From the American Revolution to the Miracle on Ice in the 1980 Winter Olympics, and from the Battle of Gettysburg to the 1986 New York Mets World Series comeback, Americans have been doing the improbable for 233 years. Last evening, in a small nook of America, I experienced another miniscule Cinderella story of no great consequence to many: Our rag-tag team of C-League softball wannabes, 'The Unknowns', winless in every game to date and mercy-ruled frequently, played out of our skin to score an impressive victory over our opponents in the late game of a double-header, 12-3....more
