Pelosi Loves the Gabagool
March 27, 2009 - Pelosi's Place Serves it Up
Nancy Pelosi’s love of pork in congress is well know, but when it came time for lunch or stowing away bodies of her enemies, something was missing. So, she approached fellow liberal Rep. Steven Rothman (D, New Jersey’s 9th District) about brokering a deal for the iconic Satriale’s Pork Store in Kearny, NJ – famous for its prominent role in the Sopranos television series - which went dark in 2007. Rothman, eager to banish the meat market from his district, brokered Pelosi a sweetheart deal, and the business and building were relocated to D.C. – just a stone’s throw from Pelosi’s pen near the Capital building. Said a gleaming Pelosi, “It’s just wonderful - now I can have my pork and eat it too.” Pelosi can now often be seen coming and going from Satriale’s at all hours of the day, and says that at times the line between the business in Congress and at Satriale’s becomes blurred.
Asked if she’s had anyone out to her new haunt, Pelosi said it’s by invite only, but she is planning on having Senator Harry Reid (D, Nevada) out soon to ‘chill’. As for Representative Barney Frank (Massachusetts, 4th District), he’ll not be stopping by anytime soon. Says Frank, “While I like all kinds of meat, I still prefer Nathan’s hot dog”.
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Obama Bowls 129, Beats Jesus By 1 Pin
March 23, 2009 - Official Score Sheet Leaked
Barack Obama was taking heat early Friday morning, following his comments on Jay Leno regarding his 129-pin game in which he bemused he was “…like the Special Olympics or something”. However, by late Friday, it was leaked that portions of the interview were omitted. While early reports suggested President Obama called Special Olympics chairman Tim Shriver to preemptively apologize, inside sources say he also called Leno to assert he omit the actual punch-line of the segment. Leno complied.
According to the source the actual transcript read: Obama: “…like the Special Olympics or something…yeah…but I still beat Jesus’s ass, so what does that tell ya”? White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, commented “Look, if you heard the whole joke, the Special Olympics would have come out on top. President Obama made a tough, on the spot decision following his off the cuff remarks to appear self deprecating and to take the heat on the whole Special Olympics thing. Our damage control here was to not offend the Christians. For that, I think he made a good call, even if the collateral damage was hurting people of special needs".
For his part, President Obama later added: “The whole bowling night thing was a regrettable mistake - people want a president that Bowls for Jesus, not against him. So no, we won’t be inviting Jesus back for a re-match. In fact, I’ve hereby decided to remove the bowling alley as part of my renovation and turn the area into a basketball court. This move should avoid further incentive to go one-on-one with J.C., ‘cause despite him being a carpenter by trade, on the court he’s nothing but a brick-layer”.
